Confessions of a Chronic “Sure!”-Say-er
Once upon a group text, I was agreeing to three events I didn’t want to attend, baking gluten-free muffins for a potluck I wasn’t invited to, and proofreading a friend’s novel draft. In the same hour.
“Wow, you’re so kind!” they’d say.
And I’d smile — while my nervous system quietly screamed, “We hate it here.”
If this sounds familiar, you might be a people-pleaser. Not because you’re weak or desperate for approval — but because, at some point, you learned that your worth came from being needed, not just being you.
And if you grew up with childhood trauma, or your brain is wired neurodivergently (hello, RSD), then saying no might feel like betrayal, not a boundary.
Enter: Parts Work Therapy — also known as Internal Family Systems (IFS).
It didn’t just change my people-pleasing. It changed how I see myself.
Meet the Inner Crew: You’re Not One Voice, You’re a Choir
Before IFS, I thought I was one personality — just chronically confused.
After IFS, I realized: I’m a collection of parts, each with a role, a fear, and a story.
There’s the “People-Pleaser Part” — sweet, strategic, and terrified of rejection.
Then the “Protective Cynic” who rolls her eyes and says, “We’ll be abandoned anyway.”
And somewhere deep down? The “Little Me” — young, sensitive, and just wanting to be safe.
Parts work therapy taught me that:
- No part of me is bad.
- Every part is trying to help.
- Guilt, anxiety, even over-agreeing — are protective strategies, not character flaws.
The First Time I Said No (And Didn’t Spiral)
In a session, I finally gave space to the part of me that always says yes.
She was exhausted.
She held stories of being punished for saying no. Of love that was conditional. Of chaos she tried to manage by being helpful.
When I thanked her — yes, literally thanked her — she softened.
That weekend, someone asked me for a favor. And for the first time, I felt a pause.
Not panic. Not a rush to agree. Just… a pause.
“I’m not available for that, but I hope it goes well.” I said it kindly. Guilt showed up, but I could recognize it as just another part — not the boss of me.
I didn’t spiral.
I didn’t lose a friend.
I didn’t die of disappointment.
Instead, I gained trust with myself.
But What If All My Parts Hate Each Other?
Oh friend, that’s normal.
IFS isn’t about having perfect harmony — it’s about becoming the curious, compassionate observer of your parts.
Think of it like an inner roundtable:
- The Overachiever’s tapping a pen nervously.
- The Anxious Teen is worried about being judged.
- The Wise Self pulls up a chair and says, “Okay, let’s hear everyone.”
That “Wise Self” is at the heart of parts work therapy.
It’s not another part — it’s you, underneath the programming. Calm. Connected. Curious.
And trust me, they’re still in there, no matter how loud the committee is.
💡 7 Ways Parts Work Therapy Frees You From People-Pleasing
| 🧩 IFS Insight | 💥 Why It Helps You Heal |
|---|---|
| You identify your parts | Awareness turns confusion into clarity. You see which parts are acting up. |
| You build internal trust | Parts feel heard, not shamed. This calms the need to overperform. |
| You give your “yes” power | Saying “no” stops feeling like guilt — it feels like honesty. |
| You reduce RSD spirals | Naming your rejection-sensitive parts helps soothe them faster. |
| You honor your younger self | Healing childhood trauma means acknowledging the part that adapted. |
| You build a “Self-led” life | You make choices from grounded clarity, not fear of conflict. |
| You stop resenting others | Boundaries become proactive, not reactive. No more silent burnout. |
You Are Not Too Much. You’re Just Many.
Here’s the truth: If you’ve spent your life people-pleasing, it’s because a part of you thought that was the only safe way to belong.
That part is brave.
That part is wise.
And that part deserves rest.
Parts work therapy didn’t erase my sensitivity — it honored it.
It didn’t make me cold — it made me clear.
And it didn’t demand I be someone else — it helped me come home to all of me.
So next time you’re tempted to say “yes” when you mean “no,” pause.
Ask yourself: Which part is speaking? What does it need?
Then let your Self respond — gently, wisely, bravely.
FAQs About Parts Work Therapy & People-Pleasing
1. What is parts work therapy or Internal Family Systems (IFS)?
IFS is a therapeutic approach that views your mind as made up of various parts, each with its own voice and role. It helps you create internal harmony through compassion, not control.
2. Can IFS help with childhood trauma?
Absolutely. IFS gently helps access and heal inner child parts that carry old wounds, without re-traumatizing.
3. Is people-pleasing really trauma-based?
Often, yes. People-pleasing can be a survival response developed from conditional love, neglect, or fear of abandonment.
4. How does IFS support neurodivergent people?
IFS respects sensory needs, internal conflict, and overactive inner critics — common for those with ADHD and autism.
5. Will I always have parts that people-please?
Parts don’t disappear — but they relax when they trust you’re leading. Over time, their roles evolve.
6. How do I start parts work therapy?
Find a therapist trained in IFS or explore resources like books by Dr. Richard Schwartz, the founder of the model.
🌿 Ready to Start Your Healing Journey?
If you're located anywhere in New York State, we offer virtual therapy so you can get support from the comfort of your home. For those local to Suffolk County, we’d love to welcome you in person at one of our two cozy offices — one in Bohemia (South Shore) and another in Smithtown (North Shore).
To schedule an appointment, call us at 631-503-1539 or send in a consultation request — we're here when you're ready.
✨ You are enough. Just as you are. Always have been.
With warmth,
Jamie Vollmoeller, LCSW
Founder, Long Island EMDR